


Along The Way

by seagoth



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1950s, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-07-23 22:07:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16167830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seagoth/pseuds/seagoth
Summary: Carol's late wife, Abby Gerhard, tragically passed away just over 3 years ago in a car accident. Their child Rindy will be turning 6 in the fall, but Carol can hardly cope with seeing her own daughter's face anymore. All she can see is Abby. There's always Abby. With the stress of her job - being a professor and raising a small child by herself, Carol feels she'll need a miracle to help her avoid tainting poor Rindy's life with her negativity.Only a few miles away there's Therese, a young girl working full time at the Grocery Store earning barely enough to keep her utilities on. She's also battling with coming to terms with who she really is and being alone.Will they find hope within each other?





	1. I stand in a desert.

"I'm sorry ma'am, you can't return this, it's already been opened and you don't have the receipt." Therese pleaded, quietly enough so that nobody would pay attention to how desperate she sounded. Those efforts at discreteness were shattered when the woman screeched once more.

"What-do-ya-mean I can't return them? I purchased them earlier in this exact store!" The lady had a strong Boston accent, maybe she thought she was talking normally and not screaming.

"Ma'am this is out of my control I just-" Therese was promptly cut off by the woman in fits demanding to speak to her manager. After 10 or so minutes of the woman yelling and her manager attempting to subdue her, she was given a coupon and went on her way with the leggings that could not be returned.

Therese sighed. In the staff room she felt tears well up in her eyes and an uncomfortable pressure in her chest caused her to almost cry out. As a few stray tears rolled down her cheeks, Therese stifled her cries by cupping the palms of her hands over her mouth, she crouched to the floor by her locker. In an almost unconscious effort to hide the embarrassment that Therese thought of herself, loose strands of her brunette hair fell from her ponytail and stuck to tear-soaked face. She was alone here. She was alone everywhere.

'At least the bus stop is nearby.' Therese thought. The sky was dim and lilac as dusk disappeared over the horizon and darkened ahead. Therese boarded with several other people, her cheeks and nose rosy. Making her way towards an empty seat near the back, she tucked herself into it, making sure her plaid skirt was decently covering her legs by pulling it down slightly before she sat down. The bus ride wasn't too long for her but she brought a book along anyway. How to Adapt by Carol Gerhard. Having no idea the book was psychologically driven when she purchased it, she was taken aback when she realized just how interesting it was. Initially, Therese thought it might have been one of those self help books, the ones that preach about the importance of positivity and what not. She didn't really look into what the book was about, she just felt an overwhelming connection to the title, she thought, an overwhelming urge to have the book.

Therese had almost finished it by the time she got home but was reluctant for it to end. It wasn't like a story that she was emotionally invested in, it was more like she was being spoken to by Carol Gerhard. She just didn't want her to stop talking; to stop telling her about how our minds hide happiness and the secrets of perception.

Therese was now sat inside her tiny apartment, in her small living room at her even smaller desk. Tapping away at her cheap laptop she quickly realized this woman might have more books. She googled her name almost nonchalantly while taking a sip from her tea. As she looked back at the screen she almost choked, she wasn't expecting that. She thought maybe Carol would look disheveled, old and graying with thick-rimmed library glasses for some reason. But she was actually the opposite of her own depiction.

Blonde, curled hair framed her face, turning gently around her ears and resting just above her shoulders. She had pale skin, perfect like porcelain. Her cold, cerulean eyes could be mistaken for sapphires and her cherry-red lipstick for marble. Therese felt her face grow hot. She was stunning. Every word that she read from her book suddenly meant so much more to Therese - they suddenly filled her chest like smoke. She couldn't explain it.

Carol Gerhard wasn't a popular author, barely anything came up for her on the internet besides from a few books and that photo of her. Therese noted all the books that Carol had wrote in her notebook, and looked back at the photo and felt her heart swell. Knowing she has to be up early for her 7am shift, Therese went to bed, then silence fills her apartment.

~~~

At the other side of the city hours later in a pale suburban home sits Carol, drinking Rye whiskey - alone - wondering how it came to be almost 5:30am. She'd just been looking through photo albums and playing some old records. Carol lifts the glass from the wooden kitchen table where she sat and lifted it hastily over her mouth finishing the drink off - setting it gently back down again she sighed, a deep, throaty sigh.

Sometimes Carol thinks about driving away. She has long, complex fantasies of leaving New York and never looking back. A selfish driven desire to escape. In most of these fantasies Rindy, her daughter, doesn't come along. Carol will get so caught up in the act of driving and being away from... it all. That coming back to reality depresses her. Tonight she thought of being in Europe with a faceless stranger, someone to keep her company even while she daydreams. They travel and stay in some beautiful hotels, at the end of it all the faceless stranger leaves Carol, Carol doesn't mind the agony this causes her.

But even through the heartache and depression, Carol knows; of course she would never leave Rindy. Not for anything. Rindy is everything Carol has. But even so, she can't take herself anywhere after this many glasses of Rye.

Rindy will be awake soon and Carol knew there was nothing to make her breakfast or lunch with. So as 7am rolls around Carol called a cab to the grocery store in hopes to lift her from this state, as well as grocery shop. Rindy wasn't alone at home, she was left with Florence, Carol's maid.

The sun wasn't up yet but the air smelled new and it tantalized Carol, she watched the droplets of rain roll down the cab window and glimmer orange whenever the vehicle passed a streetlight.

Carol made it inside the store at around 7:24am, she picked up only essentials like bread, milk and cigarettes. She thought she might be the only customer there, she might have been right. Slowly, she wandered through the aisles to the check out registers, Carol was still a little bit drunk - she was a calm drunk.

She began to place her items on the conveyer belt and walked towards the petit brunette at the till. She was facing away from Carol, blissfully unaware of her presence - reading a book, it was her book, Carol's book. How to Adapt; Carol had never seen anyone read something of her own before, this was new. Her pulse quickened while she tried to think of something to say, anything. At this point a murmur would have been pleasant conversation. Does she act casual or boastful? Does she tell the girl she'd never seen anyone with her book before or does she even mention it at all? In an all newfound sobriety Carol stood there for an uncomfortable amount of time when oh-

The brunette looked up from Carol's book and at Carol.

Softly and sheepishly the girl uttered;

"Carol... Gerhard?"


	2. With my hands outstretched.

They locked eyes for a few moments before Carol spoke, "Carol Gerhard. I haven't heard that name for a while." Carol chuckled placing both of her elbows atop the small glass pane separating them both. "Is that my book?" She said sounding confident but very much falling apart inside.

Therese looked up at Carol from her chair like she was some magnificent painting, eyes wide and lips parted. She was in awe. Even though it was clear Carol hadn't slept - or at least hadn't slept well - her fair hair was messily pinned up and when she smiled her eyes did not. Therese only saw beauty in this woman.

"Yes, ma'am." Therese uttered smiling. 

"Are you studying psychology? Majoring in it, perhaps?" Carol inquired.

"Oh. No! Not at all. Are you?"

"Am I?" Carol let out a hearty laugh, "no, I'm a professor."

Carol wore a long red coat that sat on her shoulders, the collar was fur. With brown slacks and a pale blue blouse she was wearing an extravagant February look.

"Do you teach psychology, then?"

"Evolutionary Psychology. I don't suppose you know much about that?"

"No." 

Therese was overcome by a sudden shyness, she had barely lasted a year in community college before she dropped out. The only thing she had going for her is her grocery store clerk job. Now she's here, face-to-face with Carol Gerhard - the Evolutionary Psychology Professor and writer. 

'I don't even compare.' Therese thought to herself before slowly tilting her head down and facing her lap. 

Squinting while reading her blue name tag, Carol guessed, "Theresa?" 

"It's Therese. Like, um, Ter-ez." She smiled.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Therese." Carol towered over the girl, there was a clear significant height difference between them even while Therese was sat down. Carol accentuated this difference with the cherry red heels she was wearing that perfectly matched her lipstick. "I seem to be holding up your line here." Joking, the store was practically empty. It made Therese laugh - dimples and all. 

"Do you get a lunch hour here, Therese?" 

"I do."

"Let me take you to lunch." Carol lifted her arms up off the pane of glass and adjusted her posture, grinning at Therese. "I can tell you all about what I teach if you'd like. What's your number?" Carol handed Therese her iPhone, Therese didn't hesitate giving the woman her number.

"I'll text you." Carol told Therese playfully.

Therese sat staring at Carol for a few moment too long, unsure of what to say or do. Until she realized she hadn't even scanned her items. 

~~~

It was around 4pm when Therese got off work for the day. She waited outside in the cold, tightly tucked into a bright yellow scarf that enveloped her face and neck. The bus was normally late but in this freezing weather it felt so much later. Therese thought the tips of her fingers might fall off, then how would she be able to text Carol back if she ever even texts her first? 

Even though her fingers were amply numb, Therese pulled her phone out of her pocket and aimed it towards the sky to take a photograph. Reds, pinks, oranges all cascading, it was a perpetual sunset. Never changing and thorough. The sky looked like it went for thousands of miles, circling the globe - she wondered if Carol could see this too. If not, she would send her the photo.

Back at her apartment complex she was fiddling with her keys trying to unlock the communal door, the one that strangers are buzzed into. She had been there for a few minutes before someone caught her attention. A stumbling figure only feet away from her, she was now forcibly shoving the wrong key into the door with her numb hands effortlessly turning and pushing as best they could. 

"Therese!" An angry voice yelled in her direction. It was deep.

Gasping, she turned around to see him only 2 or 3 feet from her now, arms outstretched. His face still covered in the shadows.

"Therese, where were y- where have you been?" The man stumbling on his words. 

"Richard? What are you doing here?" Therese was angry and it was visible.

"I missed you, Terry."

"I said leave me alone!" 

"You don't text me anymore." Richard stumbled over his feet this time and shouldered the wall next to him, he tried to steady himself back up but all efforts were futile. He smelled of rum.

"You're drunk." 

"Terry!"

"Goodbye, Richard. Don't ever come back here aga-" She was cut off as Richard grabbed Therese' arm and pulled her close to him, hard enough to leave a bruise, she winced in pain.

"Why do you hate me? I haven't done anything to you." Richard drunkenly yelled right up in her face.

"I don't hate you! You won't give me any space! I don't want to be with you, Richard, respect that."

Richard tightened his grip on Therese' arm, she yelped. 

"Ow! You're hurting me." 

Suddenly he let go of her, muttering quiet apologies before he stumbled off into the darkness the same way he came. Therese finally managed to open the communal door and hurriedly made her way to her apartment while shaking slightly.

It was small and everything was old. This was all she could afford, everything nice Therese bought herself she would eventually have to pawn, like her camera. Feeling emotional she sat on her small, brown couch chair in her living room and looked around. There were photos on the walls that she had taken, mostly of buildings, birds and trees. She had no portraits - no friends or family. Her cream wallpaper bubbled in places and darkened in the corners, she'd never repainted the walls and kept them the way they were since she arrived here almost 2 years ago.

Her phone buzzed and brightened in her pocket, it scared Therese and she jumped at it. It was just a number, but Therese knew it was Carol before she even looked. She wiped her nose with her sleeve and read what was on the screen.

+1 (849) 455-4582 

5:12pm

"Hello, it's Carol from the store. I know I said I would take you for lunch, but how about we go for drinks tonight instead?"

'Tonight?' Therese thought, she was still in her work uniform and her hair was windswept. She quickly changed her contact name to 'Carol Gerhard', and hesitated slightly before typing up a response.

"Tonight's wonderful, where should I meet you?"

Therese set her phone down on the table and practically ran to her bathroom where she freshened up - washing her face and combing her hair. 'What will I wear?' She thought panicking. She quickly pulled her skirt down and unbuttoned her blouse, leaving them scattered on the bathroom floor she raced to her bedroom, picking articles of clothing out of her closet and throwing back in again.

Eventually she came out of her bedroom wearing a black skirt that sat just below her knees, thin, black tights and a dark blue blouse. 

Carol

5:24pm 

"Nonsense, I'll pick you up. What's your address?"

Therese never thought she'd give a near-enough stranger her address, but here she is, doing so. She trusted Carol, maybe she shouldn't but she did. 

Before she knew it she was stood in front of Carol's black Rolls-Royce Wraith, watching her reapply her red lipstick in the rear view mirror. 

"Get in!" Carol shouted through her open window smiling.

Therese climbed into the passenger seat next to Carol and buckled her seat belt. 

"Hi!" Therese smiled.

"Hello, what have you been up to?" Carol asked while pulling at the steering wheel attempting to reverse.

"Well, I got home from work not too long ago. What about you?"

"Oh, nothing much."

The car smelled like the large perfume departments in an airports - with all the gold plating and mirrors. If Therese closed her eyes she could see it all. She'd never experienced the scent of many expensive perfumes before, it was heaven. She thought she might pass out knowing this is what Carol must smell like all the time.

Soon they pulled up to a lounge with outdoor seating and fairy lights scattered about the place. Even though it was pretty, it was just too cold to sit outside. Carol took Therese by the arm, she quietly winced as Carol's finger brushes across the bruise Richard had left there earlier. They slowly made their way across the frosted patio to the glass entrance. 

The place looked expensive, everything was glass. A large water feature sat in the middle of the room, it was a fountain made from marble, Therese had never seen anything like it. Some walls were lined with huge aquariums that were speckled with an array of colorful fish and purple lights. 

Carol brought Therese to a tall table and they both sat together on stools. They were right next to one of the aquariums and Therese was marveled. 

"I feel I'm a little out of place here." Therese hesitated. 

"Don't be silly." Carol smiled, "how did you find my book might I ask?"

"I was just browsing in the tiny, green bookstore on 5th avenue. I- I didn't really know what I was expecting when I bought it. I just - I was drawn to it, I suppose." Therese glimpsed Carol's hands resting on the table for the first time. Red nail polish and a mark where a ring would have been. Then at her face - she looked tired. 

"You were drawn to it?" Carol grinned.

"Yes I suppose."

A waiter approached them, he had on a black button up shirt with thin, horizontal lines and white trousers. "Can I get you ladies anything to drink?" He questioned.

"Yes, I'll have a dry martini with an olive."

Carol and the waiter both looked at Therese. There was a slight, uncomfortable pause while Therese thought - 'could I order a beer in a place like this? What's a martini?'

"Make that two." Carol added.

"Sure." He smiled and left.

Carol sat in a white blazer with a lilac blouse underneath and matching slacks. She crossed her legs and gazed directly at Therese.

"What do you do, Therese?"

"Me? I don't do much. Besides from working at the store, I don't really get out. But I read!" Therese uttered and looked up at Carol smiling. "What do you do?"

"Well, I'm a professor but, I enjoy writing more." 

"I loved your book."

"You did? I wrote that one quite a few years ago. What did you enjoy about it?"

"I don't usually read things like that. I've never had a psychology class or even been aware of anything like what you talked about. It was like - well, you think sometimes how stuff might work. You wonder about little things from time to time, but never really research it or go into depth. I suppose reading your book was almost like all those little thoughts and query's that I've had were explained to me - and I liked it."

"What kind of queries do you have, Therese?" Carol said playfully.

"Oh, I don't know, I-" 

The waiter returned and gently placed their martinis on the table. "Your drinks." He offered.

"Thank you." Carol breathed, picking up her glass delicately and placing it to her red lips and left it there. "I can take you home if you'd like, it's awfully bitter out there." She sipped.

"Sure!" Therese thanked.

She wondered how exactly she'd stumbled her way here, sat in this wonderful lounge with the even more wonderful Carol Gerhard. Therese thought of herself as below everyone - because that's how she'd always been treated. 

"Are you alright, Therese?" Carol stressed, warmly.

"Yes."

"What's your apartment like?" 

"It's dull, just like everything else about me." Therese told Carol rather flatly.

"Dull?" Carol refused. "You're far from dull. You have everything going for you. You're a young, pretty girl." - This made Therese' face light up - "You live in this beautiful city - nobody in New York is dull, Therese." She placed her hand atop Therese' and smiled. "Do you have many friends?"

"No. Do you?"

"I have Jeanette, a few people from the university, and you - if you'll have me."

This made Therese feel happier than she had felt in months, but her heart yearned for more. It was a foreign feeling that she was beginning to like, it was warm - like the martini and made her cheeks flush pink. 

Carol could tell that Therese was lonely. She saw parts of herself in Therese.

Suddenly Carol's phone rang and she fumbled around in her purse for a few moments before retrieving it. "Oh - God." She cursed quietly and almost unintelligibly. 

She answered the call rather choleric. "What is it, Florence?... I - Oh, you're kidding me? ... I'll be there as soon as I can." Carol faced towards Therese shoving her iPhone back into her purse, "I'm so sorry, darling, something has come up."

"Can I see you again?" Therese asked Carol quietly. 

"I'll call you. Goodbye, Therese." Carol left a $20 bill on the table and hastily made her way towards the exit. Then she was gone.

Therese walked home that evening.


	3. You are raining.

It was around 2am when Therese awoke to her phone vibrating under her pillow. She was getting a call. 'Carol?' Therese thought before hesitantly accepting the call and placing the phone to her ear. 

"Hello?" Therese mumbled very sleepily.

"Therese. Did I wake you?" Carol presumed cautiously.

"Yes - But it's all right."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I just assume everyone has the same kind of sleep habits as I do."

Therese sat up and switched the small lamp on beside her to avoid falling back asleep. Crossing her legs she asked if everything was okay, sounding rather worried.

"Everything's fine. I thought I might owe you an explanation for running off like that." Carol sighed sounding melancholic.

"Don't worry about it, it's alright!" 

"Oh, but it's not, Therese." There was a small pause before Carol continued. "My daughter, Rindy. She's having a difficult time in school right now. Earlier she was supposed to be practicing with her class for their ballet recital in the spring. But apparently she was crying and making a big fuss over something. She'd only gone and hit another girl. It was a massive fiasco, and well, I was hoping that you could forgive me for leaving you."

"Of course, Carol." Therese said softly smiling to herself.

"Do you have work in the morning?"

"Yeah - my shift starts at 7."

"I'll take you to work."

"Oh, Carol - you don't have to."

"Nonsense." Carol insisted.

~~~

Therese spent a little extra time on her makeup that morning, she'd applied lip gloss and a few coats of mascara - normally she would only wear 1 coat. She left the house without having any breakfast or coffee and felt very aware of her appearance. She thought the grocery store uniform wasn't exactly flattering, with the obnoxious plaid skirt and red shirt - 'I look like a girl scout.' She thought.

Hurriedly making her way outside, she was greeted with Carol's fancy car and a big smile from Carol herself. Carol placed a cigarette between her red lips and took a long drag, she then held it out of the window and pointed it towards Therese. "Smoke?" Carol asked.

"Sure." Therese didn't really smoke, but of course she had before. What 19 year old living in New York City hasn't been offered a cigarette? She took it and smoked while Carol looked up at her from inside the car. Carol glanced up and down at Therese and teased, "I love that outfit." Therese curtsied and smiled at the remark.

"Get in the car! It's freezing!" Carol stressed while laughing, Therese dropped the cigarette to the ground and obliged. 

"Are you all right, Therese?" Carol asked smiling, while starting up the car.

"I'm fine, are you? Was everything okay last night?"

"Oh, everything is fine." Carol sighed, "Rindy is a little all over the place lately. She's seeing a therapist... I, I don't know how I feel about that. She's 6 and she's already seeing a shrink, it makes me feel like I'm just failing as a parent." 

"Carol... You're not, children are just-"

"Fragile." Carol interrupted

Therese glanced over at Carol, she was looking broken now, hands clutching the wheel. She wore yellow corduroy trousers and a white blouse, with her red-fur coat of course. Therese thought she'd try to change the subject before Carol might burst into tears and swerve into one of the parked Chevrolets.

"Yesterday, when I was getting home from work my ex boyfriend turned up while I was at the door and he was really drunk. He scared me."

Carol turned to face Therese briefly with the utmost concern on her face. "Did he say anything?"

"He was just asking why I wasn't talking to him, blatantly disrespecting what I want."

"Which is?"

"Space." 

"What a child!" Carol cursed, "if he ever comes by again you'll let me know, won't you?"

"Yes."

Carol smiled a broken smile now. "How do you like your job?" She asked abruptly.

"Oh, it's not too bad, it's warm inside!" 

Therese could smell Carol's perfume once more, beautiful and intoxicating. It buzzed around her senses making her feel nauseous and she was afraid she'd pass out on Carol's lap. She wanted to ask her about it, maybe she would find out she was actually allergic to it, or what exactly it was supposed to smell like because Therese had no clue. All she knew was that it was Carol's and that she loved it. 

But before she could say anything she realized they were approaching the store. As Carol was turning into the parking lot, Therese began putting on her dark blue and red coat. 

"Here you are, safe and sound!" Carol smiled.

"Thank you!"

"Oh shush. Go on!" 

Therese was early for her shift, she went around the back and made herself a coffee, then sat alone on a table in the far corner. She was smiling to herself - it felt like the sun was rising in her chest after it being dark for so many years. She could almost see the light bursting through her eyes and fingertips. 'How long until it's risen?' Therese had wondered.

Carol's book was in her hands, a second book - Where Did Morality Come From? All of these technicalities and theories made Therese want to study again. She thought about being in a lecture theater with another hundred students being taught from a book that Carol had written, she would smile and feel proud, that such a wonderful, smart woman finds any interest in her at all. 

'Is it because she sees something in me?' Therese wondered, genuinely baffled at why Carol spends any time with her at all. She'd never thought so highly of someone in her life. 

~~~

It was like a callous fist had knocked her right over and she had been struggling to stand back up all day. All the customer service smiles in the world would not be able to overpower the anger in the people she had to serve today. 

Almost wounded, Therese was fighting back viscous tears the whole bus journey home. She hasn't seen daylight - the sun hadn't even risen when she got into work and now it was completely dark outside the window. 

When she eventually arrived to her apartment the tears seemed to push a little harder until suddenly Therese was just bawling on the carpet using her coat sleeves to stop the tears, she was barely able to keep up with them. 

She felt a vibration in her pocket - pulling out her phone she had a text, but it was all blurry from crying.

Carol Gerhard 

5:43

"How was your day? x"

Suddenly Therese' heart began to race and her stomach filled with butterflies. The feeling confused her but nonetheless she let it carry her. She read the text a few times in Carol's voice before she even thought about responding because the 'x' kept throwing her off. 'Maybe it was an accident.' She thought. 'It has to be.'  
She was drafting texts for a few minutes, mainly concerned about whether or not to send an 'x' back. But eventually she just hit send and left her phone where she sat before running off to change.

"It was awful, how was yours? x"

When Therese returned back to her phone Carol had replied.

"Would you like me to call and you can talk about it? x"

"Yes x'

She felt nervous, she'd spoken to Carol on the phone before but somehow this felt different. Eventually Carol called and she answered straight away.

Therese held the phone closely to her ear while leaning against the door frame in her kitchen. "Hello?"

"Therese, what happened?" Carol asked.

"Oh, nothing much. Honestly it was just one of those days."

"Slow?"

"Yes."

There was a pause that caused Therese to check if Carol had hung up.

"Therese, I was wondering if- if you were busy tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow? What day is that?"

Carol laughed over the phone, "You don't know what day it is?"

"I suppose I just forget." 

"It'll be Saturday, darling."

"Oh, no, I won't be busy tomorrow. Why?"

"Well, I thought you might like to come to the university with me and I could show you around. Maybe talk to you about what I do. You seem rather interested in it, am I wrong?"

Therese hesitated for a moment before saying anything, it felt as if something in her chest had sank leaving her mouth dry. 

"You're right, I'm interested."

"That's wonderful! I'll pick you up tomorrow at 12pm. Is that all right?"

"That's fine."

"Goodbye, Therese."

"Goodbye, Carol."

Therese' mood had been lifted.

~~~

Carol's home was warm and lit dimly, she was finishing a cigarette on the porch before she went off to read a bed time story to Rindy. 

"Mommy!" Rindy called out.

"One moment, sweetie." Carol shut the front door and headed upstairs to her daughter. Once Rindy had fallen asleep to a story her mother was telling, the house was quiet- too quiet. Carol sat in a large blue armchair in the living room wondering if it was too soon to have another cigarette. She didn't know if what she was feeling was something real or desperation from being alone for so long. 

Pouring herself a glass of rye she sighed, nothing has felt right in 3 years, she had no clue how to decipher these new feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt a little strange about how Therese and Carol meet in this, I thought 'this is a bit unrealistic who gives their number out to a checkout lady at 7am in target' but it's literally canon
> 
> update: im still wworking on chapter 4, im about half way done, its gonna be a long one and i hope you enjoy it, im really appreciating the feedback ! it should be out in the next 1/2 days, since writing this i dont do much else. it's quite a distraction from important things


	4. Down upon me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on this chapter being a little big longer than it is, but the story sort of changed compared to my plans and I like what I'm doing. I also think I know what I'm doing. Bear with me! I hope you enjoy this chapter and look forward to the next one because I'm planning on revelations and emotion.  
> I really appreciate the feedback too !  
> I've been writing a lot, so I had a dream about it, and I realized how little these characters interact with anyone other than themselves, so I'll be sure to spice it up a bit so it isn't so quick paced and basic.

The university was marvelous, a lot more prestigious looking than the community college Therese had briefly attended. Each window had its own stone arch, the ceiling was scattered with chandeliers and the walls held up hundreds of gloriously framed renascence paintings. Therese' loafers tapped on the white marble flooring beneath her feet, it made her want to dance. She'd never visited a castle before but she was sure that this was one.

Therese had been on Carol's tour for almost an hour - she was loving it. Each time they passed a particularly fascinating piece of architecture, whether it had been on the floor or ceiling, Therese had her phone ready to take a photo.

Eventually they arrived to Carol's office; there were shelves of books with titles Therese could barely fathom, a huge arched window with potted plants below it. 

Carol sat in her red desk chair and watched Therese as she was looking through some books on a shelf. She wore a black skirt with a polka dot button-up, her short brown hair was pinned up accentuating her cheekbones. 

"Isn't it nice out here?" Carol smiled.

"Oh, it's so wonderful!" Therese almost cried out with excitement.

Carol stood up from her seat and walked behind Therese caressing her back from shoulder to shoulder with one hand before linking their arms together.

"I worked my whole life for this. I never stopped, I never had one break. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore." Carol confessed.

"If what's worth it?" 

"This life." She sighed, still holding Therese' arm. "What school did you go to, Therese?"

She wanted to lie, say she went to a public school, say she didn't have a lot of time to study or be in school because her parents traveled so much. But none of this would be true. She was educated, Therese had been placed into care at an all girls catholic school run by a nunnery when she was 11. 

"I went to a boarding school out of state."

"Oh? Were you naughty?"

"No, I-" 

Carol untangled their arms and sat on the edge of her desk, "you're quite the mysterious one." She laughed while twirling a lock of blonde hair in her fingers. 

Therese said nothing and aimed her stares at the speckled marble flooring.

Carol noticed the shift in her demeanor, "you don't have to tell me anything - if you're not comfortable-"

"I want to." Therese interrupted. "You've been showing me around your life and - and I don't think you even know my name."

"You don't know my name either, I suppose we should get to know each other, hm? We can start there." 

Therese furrowed her brows slightly, "I know your name."

"Not my maiden name."

Everything sort of clicked into place in Therese' head, 'she had a husband.' The missing ring, Carol not having heard her name in years, the child, Rindy.

"You were married?" This was a brave assumption as Carol could still been married, but Therese didn't even blink before she spoke. It was almost like an eruption.

"I was."

Therese knew Carol was older than herself, but this just made her feel like a child. There was an invisible breeze that left Therese' face and hands cold. She suddenly didn't know what to say.

"What's your name, Therese?" Carol almost purred.

"Belivet. Therese Belivet."

"Isn't that just lovely?" Carol moved towards the back of her office and opened the window a crack. She lit up a cigarette and stood with her head leaned against the glass and smoked. Carol performed these idle tasks, like smoking or driving and Therese would watch in awe. She made these everyday moments look like elegant technique and precision were involved. Like a painting; Carol was sculpted this way to evoke some kind of reaction from her audience. Therese was her audience, but Carol was blissfully unaware of her performance.

"Belivet." Carol repeated moments later, "I love it."

Therese smiled and made her way over the Carol. She handed Therese the cigarette, there was red lipstick on it. 

"Are you allowed to smoke in here?" Therese asked.

"No. But doesn't that make it taste... better?"

Therese looked up and smiled at Carol, she knew what she meant. She had noticed the name plaque on Carol's desk while being stood by the window. "Aird." She said aloud.

"That's right." She took the cigarette right from Therese' lips and put it in between her own. It was a delicate motion that left Therese slightly flustered. "I haven't taught a real class in a while, it's been a few years. I've been saying, 'next semester, I'll go back.' for such a long time, but I think I finally mean it."

"Why haven't you taught for so long?" 

Carol glanced up at Therese, suddenly her expression was melancholic, "life likes to get in the way sometimes." 

A surge of adrenaline crept into Therese' veins, she took Carol's hand in her own and ran her thumb along the back of it. The physical contact alone made Therese' heart race. "I studied fine arts and English literature in school, it was an all girls catholic boarding school, my parents left me there when I was 11. I - I tried to attend college but I couldn't afford it so I dropped out." She looked into Carol's eyes, "I don't want to be a mystery to you." 

Carol's eyes widened, she wished Therese would keep talking, she wished she would tell her all about her school experience. What her friends were like, how she wore her hair, her favorite teacher. She wanted her to run into the night telling Carol all about her parents, her ex boyfriend and where she would like to travel. But of course she wouldn't. It frightened Carol how much she wanted to know about Therese. 

It flooded in, the urge to be closer, they were hand in hand. "Tell me more." Carol uttered, it was almost a whisper.

"What do you want to know?" 

Carol moved away from Therese and shut the large window they were beside, she put on her red-fur coat and took Therese by the arm - linking themselves together. She led them all the way down to the parking lot and to her car. There were barely any students on campus making the parking lot practically empty. 

For Therese every moment leading up to the present had been a blur, the car journey to the university - she remembers it started snowing and it made Carol happy. The roads became icy and snow started sticking to the boughs of the pine trees surrounding them. The air tasted of mint.

They were stood by the car, snow was still falling. Carol was holding onto Therese tightly, almost afraid she'd disappear if she looked away for even a moment. Therese hadn't said anything the whole walk. There it was again, the flooding of urges. Carol stood facing her, waves of lovely torment circulated. Therese gazed back. 

It happened slowly, if there were music it would have changed tempo. Carols hand came up to Therese' face, cheeks rosy and eyes wide. "I want to know everything, Therese." Carol said ever so softly, "I'm drawn to you." She leaned in and kissed Therese on the lips gently. Therese was completely still and Carol paused to see if she had made a huge mistake, but from the look on Therese' face alone she knew she had not.

Flakes of snow rested in Therese' hair and on her shoulders - Carol briefly wondered if she was frozen still. "Rindy is at a sleepover tonight and well, I've never spent a full night without her. It's cold, I don't suppose you'd like to come to my house?"

"Yes. I would." 

Something unspoken shifted within Therese, like a window had been opened. She wanted to melt into Carol's arms, but she remained stood there - still - fixated on Carol's warm-iced complexion. Her face was soft, but piercing. A gentle wind carried strands of Carol's hair and left it in suspension for a few moments. Everything was so still, almost as if everyone had disappeared momentarily leaving the pair floating somewhere between the present and what used to be. 

It was broken by Therese' phone ringing. "It's work." She mumbled.

"Work? You're not even scheduled until next week."

Suddenly flustered, Therese held her finger up to Carol signalling she wouldn't be a minute. She carefully walked a few steps away from her and answered the phone holding it up to her ear and covering her other ear with her hand. 

"Hello?"

Carol couldn't hear Therese on the phone from where she was stood, she admired Therese from afar, tracing her silhouette with her eyes. The sun was setting, but the sky was overcast leaving everything looking blue and feeling so much colder than earlier. 

"Carol." 

Carol could see Therese was crying, her chest sank leaving her breathless. "What happened?"

Therese tugged on the sleeves of her coat and wiped her tears away whilst stepping forward to stand close in front of Carol.

Therese sobbed, "I've been fired."


	5. Cab

The air suddenly felt so much colder, like the wind finally found an opportunity to lash out and the snow began to fall like stones. Carol gave Therese a lift to the store where she was called into to collect her last paycheck and have the incident explained to her. 

A man with a mustache and a green and red striped sweater sat across from Therese in his office, he was the manager. She still had mascara under her eyes from when she had been crying - she could barely keep still in the seat from nerves and anxiety.

"I know, you're probably a little confused - uh -" He stammered while rummaging through a notepad looking for the girl's name. "Theresa Belvat?" He guessed.

"Therese Belivet." She corrected shakily.

"Right, well - the company is having some financial setbacks and our branch is being downsized." 

She looked at the large red clock on the wall above the mans head, it read 4:04. "Oh." Therese mumbled. The storm behind her eyes ceased as she remembered Carol was waiting outside for her, Carol the woman she had just kissed in a parking lot, Carol the woman who tasted of elder-flower tea and lipstick. Her heart began racing abruptly, she wanted to yell and run outside so she could hold Carol and kiss her once more, the thought of her face alone left her at ease.

She was pulled back into the room by the man, "You'll be receiving a severance package along with your last check."

"All right, thank you." Therese smiled, she thought about buying a camera, even though she knew she'd probably end up selling it to pay rent the idea excited her.

But the excitement didn't last for long, 'I don't have a job.' She remembered while leaving the office and the tears began rolling down her cheeks again, 'oh god!' She stepped outside the doors and saw Carol's car parked up close. She couldn't feel the cold anymore, she was passed it.

"Therese! Darling, you're shaking." Carol gestured for Therese to get into the car and she turned the heater up. "What did they say?"

Therese was suddenly furious, "he said it was downsizing. It was probably fucking nepotism, I know half the cashiers in there are his damn cousins!"

Carol was taken aback, she'd never heard Therese curse, she wasn't even sure she was capable of getting angry. She took her hand, "calm down, it's okay." It hurt her to see Therese like this, chasms burrowed into Carol's chest as tears welled up in the girls eyes. "I'm taking you home with me."

Carol began driving the car out of the parking lot. She placed her black-rimmed sunglasses to her face and smiled at Therese. Then the world stopped spinning, they were flung out to space together. If everything collapsed around them, Therese would laugh, she would stay looking at Carol. She would succumb to her cerulean gaze, if the car caught fire she would still be counting the stars in Carol's cosmos eyes. 

Leaning her head against the window of the car, Therese shut her eyes. 

~~~

"Whiskey or rum?" Carol called from the kitchen. Setting two crystal glasses down on the oak counter top. 

"Um - whiskey." Therese was sat on the plush carpet in the living room looking through Carol's records. A Paul Anka record was playing.

This was the first time she'd ever been to her house, it felt like home. A blue painting was hung above the brick fireplace - along with various framed photos of Carol and her daughter. There were two cream couches and a blue armchair, the living room alone was huge, but so cozy. 

"Here you are." Carol said as she placed both glasses of whiskey on the glass coffee table. 

Therese got up from the carpet and sat down on the love seat with the whiskey in her hand. Carol joined her. 

"Your house is wonderful." Therese said smiling. She took a gulp of her whiskey without anticipating the sharp taste, she made a face like she'd just bitten into a lemon and coughed. Carol laughed. "Not a drinker?" 

"Yes, but normally just beer."

"Ah, I see." She took a sip while maintaining eye contact with her. "I love my house, if I could stay here forever I would."

"As in, never leave?"

She nodded.

"I don't like my apartment at all." She took another gulp of her whiskey, this time limiting her facial expression to just a hard swallow. "Not like I'll still be living there soon, without a job and all that."

"Oh, Therese. You'll find another job." Carol said flatly.

Therese was bothered by Carol's unexpected dejection, her cheeks flushed red suddenly, partly from the whiskey and partly from Carol's vapidity. She didn't want Carol to be upset with her for complaining or being a bother, she didn't want to annoy her.

Aware of her sudden harshness Carol smiled and attempted to change the subject. "Tell me about your ex-boyfriend."

A weight plummeted from Therese' heart to her stomach, "Richard?"

"The drunk one."

"W-why?" She stammered.

"I'm interested."

"I met him at school, he told me he loved me so I started dating him. I wasn't sure what I wanted, so I left him a few weeks ago." She sighed. "I don't know, he makes me feel awful for it. But I know for sure I don't want him."

"Oh, you're so young. You don't know what you want."

Therese wanted to yell out with every fiber of her being exactly what she wanted, that she would fight for it, challenge anyone that protested it. The uncertainty that previously washed over her would disappear when she would look at Carol. She had never been so sure of something than she was sure of this. But although the urges were persistent and they left her silently shaping vowels with her mouth instead of blasting out the words cradled in her throat. She just smiled and finished off the rest of her glass. She held it out to Carol as a gesture for a refill. 

Her glass was taken away - Carol leaned forward and poured the brown liquid into the glass elegantly. She handed it back to Therese. In a tipsy haze, Therese moved closer to Carol on the couch. She wanted to lean in to be even more close. The Paul Anka record still playing.

Sorrow came in waves over Carol suddenly, maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the kind of company she hadn't had since her late wife's passing. At first it was a stroke of tension in her heart - now it was a full blown melancholy-storm in her chest. She finished the rest of her whiskey and set her cup down on the table and glanced up at Therese. She was looking at Carol like she was the full moon, almost as if she was trying to find life among her freckles. "What?" Carol asked solemnly.

Therese was smiling - cheeks flushed red from being drunk. She motioned slowly forwards, leaning her own face towards Carol's. 

But she drew back, "Therese, what are you-"

Visibly shocked Therese' eyes widened, "I'm sorry, I've misread everything haven't I?" She shifted backwards, "I've never felt this way before... about a woman, I don't expect you to understand - if I've ruined our friendship I'm sorry I -"

"Therese." Carol interrupted her ramble, she lit up a cigarette and took a long drag before breathing a deep, smokey sigh. "You know, I was married to a woman for 6 years, she was the love of my life. Everything I thought was right was wrong until I met her. She made things make sense, until her - nothing did." Therese' eyes were dark and still wide, they glistened as tears formed. "I understand how you're feeling Therese, but please... find someone else."

Therese' eyes suddenly darted around the room, she was looking for signs or traces of the woman who was once in Carol's life - she couldn't see anything but her and her daughter. She uttered in a determined whisper, "Someone else?" 

"I don't expect you to know what I mean, you're young and you haven't experienced loss."

A deep void began at Therese' throat and finished in the pit of her stomach, her lips were parted as the tears in her eyes grew. She furrowed her brows, "I'm sorry, Carol. But you're not the only person to experience loss. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't know what hurt is." She shuffled in her seat slightly and turned her face away so Carol wouldn't see her eyes heavily watering.

"She was killed." Her voice broke as she choked on her own cries. Therese' eyes were large as she stared at Carol's own sorrowful gaze, she was playing with her sleeves anxiously. 

"Carol..." She breathed rather than spoke.

Carol suddenly snapped, she jolted out of the spontaneous desolated state she was in, sat up straight and faced Therese. "Exactly what kind of loss have you experienced, Therese?" Her eyes darkened as she emphasized 'Therese' angrily when she spoke. 

Therese' drunken brain collapsed. Carol was talking down to her, as if she were telling off a child. She couldn't take it. Pressure built behind her eyes and she let out a cry while cupping her face with her hands. Seeing what she had caused Carol sank. 

"You should call a cab."

"Okay." The brunette got up and took her navy-blue coat from the back of the blue armchair. She turned around to see Carol, to see if she would see her out. But Carol was smoking her cigarette on the couch - unblinking, facing the opposite direction. 

As she made her way outside, shutting the front door behind her, she instantly let everything go and began sobbing. She was slowly walking down Carol's driveway as to not slip on the icy road. Confusion crushed all of her certainties and left her mind feeling paralyzed. Her chest felt so heavy she thought her heart might've broken; perhaps it had.

~~~

She walked a few blocks on the snow-covered sidewalk before deciding she was in fact lost and had to call for a cab. For a while she thought she'd be able to find her way home by herself just so she didn't have to spend $40 on a cab. $40 she did not have to waste. 

Therese hadn't even looked at her phone since her departure from Carol's. She was anticipating at least one message from Carol, maybe a "I hope you're safe." But there was nothing - it had been at least 30 minutes since she last saw Therese and a number of awful things could've happened. But Therese just assumed Carol did not care, because that's how she felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this episode was a little sad - but don't fret. Carol's on a long path of self-evaluation in the next few episodes and Therese is on an even longer path of self-discovery. 
> 
> Feedback is much appreciated !


	6. Ryes and Crayola

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carol sits through a therapy session and discusses how struggles with love, Therese on the other hands drinks straight vodka and makes mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! wow, firstly I'm super sorry it's taken so long to produce and update but my motivation has been non-existent. Secondly, thank you to everyone reading and commenting of this fic, I really appreciate it! and as well to everyone who's been waiting ! here's the new chapter, I'm sorry it's a short one but I have the next chapter planned out already!

A slim brunette woman sat opposite Carol, she was sitting in an orange armchair and was about 10 or so years older than her and had oval glasses resting at the tip of her nose.

"I'm not ready." Carol mumbled as she tipped her head back and placed her hand on her forehead. At this moment she wanted to light a cigarette, but she couldn't. 

The other woman cocked her head to side and spoke. "Are you really not ready or are you just trying to convince yourself you are because you're afraid." 

"I-" She paused slightly defeated.

"You're afraid of replacing Abby." 

Hearing her name stung Carol, but she refused. "I am not afraid." 

"Why did you kiss this other woman then?"

"I'm lonely, Elsa. It didn't mean anything." 

"You know how this works, Carol. Therapy won't help you if you're not honest with me." Elsa sighed, uncrossed her legs and stood up. "Our session is over for today, but you have a lot to work on this week. Firstly, start by apologizing to, Theresa -"

"Therese." Carol corrected.

"Right - you also have to stop being so goddamn hard on yourself, you deserve happiness just like everyone else."

~~~

Back in the city Therese was in her apartment drinking vodka from the bottle. She sat cross legged in the middle of her carpet looking through old photographs hidden in a shoe box. Some of her as a small child in a yellow dress with bobbed hair and some of buildings she had taken when she first moved to New York. Seeing the photos from her first weeks in the city made Therese feel heavily nostalgic, she remembered that day clearly. Her friend Dannie had been with her and they were touring the streets for interesting architecture and clubs. They came across the corner of a really old building that had become a bank. 

She suddenly really wanted to call Dannie, cry to him. Maybe it was the drunken instability or something that had been repressed surfacing. It had been so long since she'd spoken to him, his name on her phone didn't look real. 

It rang out a few times before it cut off, Therese' heart sank a little as she realized Dannie probably wouldn't want to talk to her after everything that had happened. She jumped as she saw his face on her phone as an incoming call - she answered immediately. 

"Hello?" Therese almost yelled.

"Hey, Therese?" 

"Dannie."

"What- um, what's wrong?" His words stifled. 

"Nothing, I missed you."

"Therese, I'm kind of seeing someone."

"What? No, I - miss you being my friend." She felt sudden regret and awkwardness wash over her, "I'm sorry, I -"

Dannie interrupted her, "are you okay?" 

Therese paused for a moment, though her thoughts were going a thousand miles per hour everything almost seemed to go in slow motion. Should she tell him she's falling hopelessly in love with a woman she'd only just met, how her life suddenly seemed to come to a halt at the ripe age of 19, or does she tell him she's fine?

"Therese?"

"Um, not really."

Therese had been on the phone to Dannie for almost an hour, spilling her heart out, telling him all about Carol and the time she was drunk at her place. All of the crying in the supermarket, all of the self pity she tries to swallow. She told him she was sorry over and over again, blaming herself for the demise of their relationship. Then Dannie asked about Richard and it tore down what was left of Therese' stability. It was clear to Dannie that she needed support, so he told her he would come to visit as soon as he could. 

After the call ended Therese had sobered up slightly, she was sleepy and weak from sobbing and just wanted to sleep. Suddenly noticing Carol's book on the sofa her heart cracked, she realized Carol still hadn't tried to contact her, to even check if she was okay. Reaching for the book it felt like electric in her hands, she was holding parts of Carol's soul and it was almost too much to handle. She brought it up to her chest and held it there for a moment before opening it. A piece of paper slipped out from the back, it was a note that read:

"Abby, my love. I hope you're proud of me, I finished my book. Here is the first copy for you.

\- Carol"

Then it hit Therese, just how hurt Carol must be as she remembered Carol told her Abby was killed. Guilt filled Therese' senses, she began scrolling through the contacts in her phone she saw 'Carol Gerhard' and clicked it, it rang several times before Therese suddenly ended the call, regretting it she drank another mouthful of Vodka and went to bed. 

~~~

Rindy was sat at the glass table in Carol's dining room coloring a woodland scene, she colored deer in pink and red crayons. Carol was watching while holding a glass of whiskey and typing on her laptop. "Are you going to color the trunk, dear?" She said while handing her daughter a brown crayon. 

Carol noticed her phone light up, she saw she had a missed call from Therese and her heart began to race. She missed Therese, oh, how she wanted to drive up to her door and call her name into the night for everyone to hear. She thought about holding her in her arms and whispering 'I'm sorry', over and over again until she fell asleep, but she wouldn't do any of this. Instead she would go against her own grain and spend her night alone curled up in a blanket of blue pity.


End file.
